I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want her autograph on my taint
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
