gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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