Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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