i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
