Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
