I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
