you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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