I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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