Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
