I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
