I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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