I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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