Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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