I swear god or herbie drove my car home
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
