I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
