Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
