No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
