Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
