There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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