So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
