Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
did i just pee glitter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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