i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we're making bets on your personal life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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