Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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