Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
