i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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