he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
