there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize