I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
