Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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