I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
