Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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