they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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