So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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