He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize