I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
