The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
