I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
