This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
