Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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