I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
