is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Couch. On fire.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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