i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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