so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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