i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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