i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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