i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
