god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
