Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
