I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
