i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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