Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
