i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
