I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
