I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
