Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
