I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
