your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
