She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
