I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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