Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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