ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
