i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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